Going through my children's baby clothes is always a dangerous thing. Especially the newborn variety of baby clothes. They are so small and delicate and full of so many memories. And not the exhausted, postpartum, I want to crawl in a hole and die because I'm sad when I should be thrilled kind of memories. They only hold the good kind of memories. The memories when my children were fresh and new and the only thing that could make everything better was me. Except in Savannah's case when sometimes the only thing that could stop her from screaming was her Aunt Holly, but these clothes don't have those kinds of memories attached to them.
Some outfits are more sentimental than others. Like the tiny preemie one-piece outfits that Jacob wore the first several weeks of his 4-pound life. Or Benjamin's blessing outfit because that day is etched permanently into my soul. Or pretty much all of Savannah's newborn clothes because she was my first, and she was a girl.
I wonder what will happen with all of the clothes I choose to save after I muster up the courage to give the rest of them away? Will Savannah have a little girl of her own someday who will wear that fluffy pink hat that Grandma Van crocheted? Will my sons even care about these clothes that hold a tender portion of my heart? Probably not. But I'm saving them anyway. They bring me happiness. And a little melancholy.
Over Christmas break while we were visiting Christopher and Amy I watched as one of their good friends held baby Hannah. She said something that made me have a moment of wonder and the basic gist was this: "I love holding other people's babies but I am so happy that I am done with the baby stage." I've heard this from several other women, not just her, and I wonder if these women have just accepted the fact that they are done bearing children and are happy about it, OR has Heavenly Father blessed them with a feeling of doneness? Because how on earth could a woman just feel "done" without some divine intervention? I have to believe that it's a blessing from Heavenly Father rather than a concrete choice.
You make think that I'm going on another "poor Heidi can't have any more children" rant but I'm not. Believe me, I am more than thankful for the ones I got. Goodness, Jacob has been a baby FOR-EV-ER now. Seriously, he's had the longest baby phase of any child I know. And I consider it a tender mercy. He's everything to me. And the others have their moments too. :) But just when I have the feeling that this is more than I can handle and that my family is complete I have a tugging at my heart like there's more for us. And I don't know how and I don't know when. It's pretty scary actually. When I sit down and think about adding to our family in a way that's not traditional for us. And maybe this feeling will pass. Maybe my sisters will have the children that I feel our missing from our family. I've had that thought before. Either way, I know that Heavenly Father is in charge. He knows what's best for me and my family. And it'll all work out in the end.
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