first day of school

I was never good at handling the first day of school growing up. In fact, it just got worse the older I got. The first time I remember getting the urge to throw up on the first day of school was when I started a new school entering the 7th grade. This just continued with the first day of high school, college, you get the picture. If you know me, you know that I'm an anxious person. I experience anxiety on different levels depending on the situation I am facing. As a youth, if I were asked to speak in church, I would always throw up on the morning of my talk. But, the first day of school came with it's own unique feeling. My heart would start racing with nervousness, and I would get that feeling in the pit of my stomach. That first day of school feeling. Well, I thought the days of me getting the first day of school jitters were far behind me. That is until yesterday when Savannah had her first day of Kindergarten. I couldn't believe what was happening to me. It was like I was 10 years old again. It felt the exact same way. And even though Savannah appeared to be calm as a cucumber I was experiencing a flurry of emotions in my gut. I knew this day was coming. I had prepared myself as best as I could and yet, I was a little girl, scared and unsure of what to expect.

After taking the traditional first day of school pictures, we loaded our family in the car and drove to Savannah's school. Despite how I felt on the inside, I was handling everything very well on the outside. That is until the kids all lined up against the wall in preparation to enter the school. It was then I could feel myself losing it. As Tom and I walked away from our little girl I looked over at him, and I could tell he was losing it too. I was proud of her, excited for her, and yet I felt a slight sadness in my heart at the thought of her growing up.

I have come to except that this is just a part of life. Another step of letting go and moving on. The next chapter in our lives. I have also come to realize that the connection I feel with Savannah is like the one my mom had with me. She felt all of my anxieties right along with me. And so even though I thought I was done experiencing the first day of school, first love and loss, first job, first moving away from home anxieties, I'm just starting to experience them all over again through Savannah. Lucky me. :)